I’ve tried the following:
- Talk Therapy
- TMS
- ECT
- Meds
- Mental Institutions
- Hypnosis
- Holistic Healing
I’ll touch on each experience. Please understand, this is only my experience. Do what works for you. I was desperate to find a solution. Willing to try nearly anything. This is what I found.
Talk Therapy
I experienced the most improvement from talk therapy. Cumulatively, I’ve logged 5+ years, varying in frequency from twice a week to once a month. Long stretches off it and long stretches on it. Here’s what I’ve learned:
You have to find the right therapist for you.
95% of therapists are only able to spit out slogans. They are hopelessly incapable of thinking outside what they’ve been told. Unable to provide true objectivity. Unwilling to stray from dictum. Having someone listen to your bullshit works for some. It doesn’t work for me. I’m a solutions oriented person and regardless of how much I push back, I want them to push back harder. I am certainly a difficult client on the front end and a very rewarding client on the back end because the therapist can see the fruits of their labor in real time. I change.
And that’s why therapists get into the game. Usually to witness someone grow, so they don’t have to. To work out their personal problems via their clients. And occasionally you will find a therapist who has done the hard work themselves, mostly have their lives together and find joy in passing on what they’re learned along the way. No fake altruism. Just love for their fellow man.
It’s hard to find the right therapist. But you’re worth it. Be strong. Move on quickly if they’re not the right fit. Stay with them when it’s tough.
Consider how we used to live many years ago. A few dozen in a tribe, just trying to survive. When you have existential questions such as “How do I eat?”, you don’t ask the youngest in the tribe, you ask the oldest. You want wisdom. What actually works, not what theoretically works in a textbook. You want well worn life experience. You want someone who has lived.
Look for wisdom
45+ years of age, exhibits personal success, clean cut, dresses well, office is in order
Consider them a surrogate parent.
They must model good behavior. An ideal to strive towards. You naturally want to move in the direction he’s already been.
Affordable
You want to go often enough that they are able to change your way of thinking. It’s voluntary brainwashing. Make sure you can afford it in the long term cause it will take time.
TMS
I won’t go into the details of how it works, it’s better to find that information elsewhere. I will describe in laymen’s terms what I believe the theory is behind it. Use big magnets to move stuff around in your head so your body can reorder it properly.
Mental illness is simply disorder. Your office is “disorderly” because it’s not organized, unclean and as a result, not that much fun to be in.
Whether through nature or nurture, your head is a disorderly office. Varying degrees of functionality bordering on chaos. You can’t get things done. Things aren’t moving where they’re supposed to.
I went through several sessions, maybe one third of the total I was meant to. They kept dialing up the intensity, working different areas because they weren’t getting the results they wanted. At one point the area underneath my eye got puffy and a little bruised. They had not experienced that before. I left. Something troubling when a doctor says something along the lines of “whoa .. never seen that before”.
ECT
Again, you should look up the procedure elsewhere. They put you under and then zap you with electricity.
I did two sessions. After the first session I felt really ramped up. Had difficulty sleeping. When I spoke with the doctor about it, he said he hadn’t heard of anyone experiencing that symptom before. People feel sleepy afterwards.
I also overhead the administrators tell another patient that ECT is temporary. Meant only to get you out of the funk you’re in, but not to change anything in the long term. That was it for me, two strikes and you’re out. I’m here for long term solutions. I want an end to this, not mitigation.
Meds
I’ve tried Prozac, Lithium, Zoloft and a bunch of other drugs. The only one I’ve sustained for any serious amount of time was Prozac.
My first time using Prozac was similar to those stories you hear about the first time someone takes acid. They can taste color, magic elves and whatnot. Seriously though, the world brightened up. People smiled at me. I was introduced to another world in which things were not just less heavy, but light.
After 6 months or so, the feeling wore off. The psychiatrist recommended doubling my dose. I did. Still nothing. Doubled again. Still nothing. Double once more and, only in retrospect did I realize I had become very hostile to those around me. At my worst, I jumped on the hood of a strangers car in a rage. Thus, I ended my journey with Prozac. Since then, I’ve told this story to every psychiatrist I’ve seen since and without exception, their first recommendation was to try Prozac once more.
Truthfully, the idea of taking meds for the rest of my life never felt right. I’ve never tried alcohol or illegal drugs and I’m not all that excited about altered states.
Mental Institutions
I went through a particularly painful month in the 19th year of my life. My mother died. I totaled my car. Left my girlfriend of 3 years. Lost a successful business. And my straight-edge roommate decided to begin taking meth, he went insane, beat his girlfriend and abandoned the property.
I had experienced my fair share of trauma in the past, but this was intense and all at once and I simply couldn’t hang. So I called the police and told them that I was fairly certain I would kill myself and that if they could please do something, that’d be great. They recommended I drive over to their police station and turn myself in. So, I did.
I was placed on a 5150 hold. I was given medical garb and slippers and locked in a room alone for the night. The next morning I was encouraged to join “group”. After an hour of listening to everyone else’s problems it occurred to me that I wasn’t actually insane and that was what this place was for, insane people. This was the first of many lessons, directing me closer and closer to the realization that I was simply at the mercy of the human condition. That there are immutable laws to nature and that if you choose to disobey, there will be punishment. And it’s just that simple. I wasn’t special, nor immune. Life is hard. It’s on us to find meaning and figure things out.
Afterwards I spoke with an administrator and talked my way out of there within 24 hours. A friend picked me up and we had lunch.
10+ years later I was at my end again and was involuntarily placed on a 5150. I once again talked my way out of there in 24 hours.
Hypnosis
On recommendation from a therapist, I tried hypnosis. Within 15 minutes it was plain to me that this would not work. I’m not a suggestible person. Life would likely be easier if I was. I need to be meaningfully persuaded, and mysticism isn’t compelling to me.
Holistic Healing
A friend of mine believed that chicken was the cause of all his physical problems. He was so sincere. I was always skeptical. After years of his evangelizing, I decided to schedule a $500+ holistic healer session simply to rule out this method. I needed to be able to say I tried.
Within minutes I recognized the quackery and left. Pretty obvious methods used. Read up on the placebo effect and you’ll begin to understand how much of life is just persuasion and belief.
In Closing
Do what works for you. Try stuff. It’s a complex puzzle that needs to be solved. So set forth. It’s rough, but you’re worth it. Really.
What did work?
Very briefly, in no particular order.
- Dismantle all beliefs that don’t comport with reality. This is difficult, cause you don’t know what you don’t know.
- Get sunlight on your body often. It really helps my quality of sleep and mood.
- Read up. There’s a world of free knowledge out there. The answers are already written.
- Find your tribe. Be vulnerable with trustworthy people.
- Acquire a sense of humor. They’re invaluable to yourself and others. I could always crack a joke, even at my absolute darkest.
- Eat healthy. Garbage in, garbage out.
- Study inflammation. Go Google it now!
- Exercise. Go for a walk.
- Be in nature.
- Curate your circle.
- Listen to your body, trust your instincts.
- Go easy on yourself. Life is hard, for everyone. Be your best friend.
- Be open to trying new things.
- Study the practice of gratitude and acceptance.
- Get a therapist.
- Find God. You need a spiritual practice.